why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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