I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
