Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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