I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
