My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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