Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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