Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
