By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
