I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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