you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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