Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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