my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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