I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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