I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i drank out of a bidet.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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