Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
