After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
