that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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