The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
