we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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