I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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