well I can't set my house on fire every night
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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