Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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