we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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