there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Someone signed my nipple.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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