So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
