i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm sobbing to NWA
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
