drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You ate ashes out of my bong
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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