I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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