There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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