A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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