I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
