I think i peed on brittanys purse
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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