Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
