there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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