if i can run in heels then i can drive
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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