Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
