just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
