She went from zero to smokin in five shots
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
