my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
