I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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