dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
