its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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