she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I didn't notice because vodka
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
