I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
