I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
