And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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