Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
