I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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