Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
