so that wasnt chicken after all
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
