I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
