You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
